Therapy
by Subieko
Summary: The Dragonlance Characters have done well on their own, yes. But now, at last, they have help. They're about to attend therapy sessions for their various problems...whether they like it or not.
1. Prologue

Author's Note: Well...the last parody went over pretty well, much to my surprise. So, I thought, why not. Here I am again, tormenting the Dragonlance characters...poor things. Enjoy!

Prologue

The author was sitting at her computer, staring glumly at the screen. She was fresh out of ideas. A monumental writer's block was staring her in the face.

"Hey, Subieko?"

"What is it, Tas?" the author said wearily.

"Why is that huge block on your desk? Doesn't that make it awfully hard to write?"

Subieko threw Tas a scathing look. "It's a writer's block. And yes, it makes it hard to write. But there's no way to get rid of it. Well—there is one way, but…"

"But what?" Tas asked.

"But I haven't got any chocolate right now," Subieko replied. "Chocolate is the only known cure for writer's block."

"Oh," Tas said. "Gee, I'm sorry."

There was a moment of silence, albeit a very short moment; Tas couldn't keep his mouth shut for more than a minute or two, tops.

"Subieko?"

"What is it _now_, Tas?"

Tas boosted himself onto the writer's block, swinging his short legs idly. "I was just wondering…remember that last story you told about me?"

"Uh-huh," Subieko said, sighing morosely. Her muse had promptly abandoned her after that, grumbling about a cruel and unusual lack of chocolate.

"Well, what else happened to all of us?"

"What do you mean, what else? That was the end. There isn't any more."

Tas's eyes widened. "No more at _all_?"

"No," Subieko said flatly. That's what 'the end' means."

Another moment of silence. This one lasted for a whole ten seconds—Subieko was impressed.

"Subieko?"

"Tas, if you don't stop bothering me, I'm never going to get rid of this writer's block!"

"Oh. Well, while you're waiting for it to go away…could you tell me another story? Only I'm getting a little bored…"

Subieko sighed, realizing Tas would never leave her be until she did as he asked. "Fine…what do you want a story about?"

Tas scratched his head, his face screwed up in concentration. "Ummm…a story about me. And Raistlin, and Dalamar, and Tanis, and Flint, and—"

"All right, all right! You want a story about all of you. Again."

Tas nodded eagerly.

Subieko leaned back in her writing chair, thinking. "All right," she said at last. "Here goes…"

Tas promptly fell onto the desk as the writer's block vanished.


	2. Grudge Match

Chapter 1: Grudge Match

It was neither a fine nor a sunny day, but this was only to be expected. The Abyss just wasn't known for its good weather, or indeed for having weather at all. But Raistlin didn't care about that. He was busy moping.

"Hmph…eternal rest didn't sound so bad at first, but I'm bored, dammit! Why'd I have to go and promise Caramon I'd wait to go on to the afterlife until he died…"

Raistlin paced up and down the…er…empty space. He was the only object in existence, as far as he could tell, just drifting about in total emptiness. For a man who had once entertained delusions of godhood (in his case, more than just delusions), it was a pretty bad deal.

"Raistlin! Raistlin, are you in here?"  
Raistlin looked up, his golden eyes narrowing. That voice sounded familiar…but where was it coming from?

"I have good news, Raistlin!" Fizban said, appearing beside the black-robed mage.

Raistlin jumped, then glared at Fizban in irritation. "If you're about to tell me you just saved a bunch of money on your car insurance, so help me…"

"No, no," Fizban said, waving his hands placatingly. "I really _do_ have good news for you. Raistlin…the gods have made a decision."

There was a long pause.

"Yes?" Raistlin prompted.

"About your fate," Fizban said, and stopped again. He wanted to draw it out a bit, for increased dramatic affect. A glance at Raistlin's face, however, told him this might not be the wisest idea.

"Raistlin…the gods have decided you may return to Krynn!"  
Raistlin's eyebrows shot up so quickly they vanished into his wispy hair. He was about to voice some of his wildly spinning thoughts when Fizban held up a hand, stopping him. "But…"

Raistlin groaned. He should have known…

"…the gods have one condition. You must attend…therapy sessions."

There was a massive explosion.

Or at least that's how it felt to Fizban. "WHAT!? Why!?" Raistlin demanded, practically frothing at the mouth.

Fizban took a few hasty steps back. Even a god didn't want to get too close to Raistlin when he was in a temper. "Well…remember when you decided to become a black-robed mage?"

"Yes…?" Raistlin said, in a voice that told Fizban he'd better hurry up with the explanation if he wanted to live much longer.

"The truth is…see, Lunitari had always been awfully fond of you, Raistlin, and, well…"

"Do you mean to tell me," Raistlin said in a low hiss, "that I am being forced to receive—_counseling_—because of a whiny goddess?"

"…that about sums it up," Fizban said meekly, and vanished.

There was silence for a moment. Then the Abyss rang with a long, unending wail of ultimate grief, reminiscent of an immense foghorn.

"NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo….."

Somewhere in another region of the Abyss, Takhisis looked up. "When did Darth Vader get here?"

-o-o-o-o-o-

Meanwhile, in the Realm of the Gods, Lunitari was cackling, rubbing her hands together with an evil smile. "Muahahaha…reject _me_, will he? But I'll show him…he'll rue the day he took the black robes!"

Nuitari let out a gusty sigh of total boredom. "Sister…it's not my fault I'm much more appealing than you. Who would want to be a _red_-robed mage? It's the same as saying you have no opinions of your own whatsoever."

"IT IS NOT!" Lunitari shouted, springing to her feet. "It just means you're open to new ideas and you don't get caught up in stupid politics like black-robed mages!"  
"Brother, Sister," said Solinari as he came in. "Must we continue this pointless fighting? Neither black nor red is superior to the other. Both are needed for the magic to remain balanced and useful…"

Nuitari and Lunitari nodded reluctantly, both looking a little ashamed of themselves.

"Besides," Solinari added, "everyone knows white-robes are the best."

There was a moment of silence.

"Er…guys…?" Solinari took several steps back, fidgeting nervously. "I was just kidding…I didn't mean…"

The heavens rang with squeals of pain and shouts of, "Take that, you white-robed pansy!"

The other gods shook their heads disdainfully. Young people these days…


	3. All For One, and One For Himself

Author's Note: Here's chapter 2...the beginning of the character's Utter Misery. Thank you to Just Me and Galadedrid for the reviews! Glad to hear that you enjoyed it. And er...I realize there's self-insertion here, but I didn't want any of the characters to be the psychiatrist, because then they couldn't get analysed...so, hopefully that won't bother anyone. Enjoy chapter 2!

Chapter 2: All For One, and One for Himself

Raistlin glared at Fizban mutinously, kicking his heels against his chair. They were sitting in the waiting room of the psychiatrist's office, and Raistlin was none too happy about this.

"I'm going to do this, you old fool! You can't make me! I'll lie about everything! I'll spit in your eye! I'll—"

Fizban turned to him, looking stern. "See here, Raistlin, this is for your own good, and you're going whether you like it or not!"

"I won't!" Raistlin shouted, sticking his tongue out at Fizban. It was terribly undignified, not to mention out-of-character, but at that moment he didn't really care.

"Er…please?" Fizban said. He was running out of ideas. "Come on—what would make you willing to go through with the therapy? Just name it, and I'll see what I can do."

Raistlin thought for a moment. Then a crafty smile spread slowly across his face. Fizban had a feeling he was going to regret saying that…

"There's just one thing," Raistlin said, cackling softly.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"We have to _what_!?" Dalamar cried furiously. He and the other characters were once again standing around in pre-war Solace for no apparent reason. Dalamar was starting to get seriously annoyed with the author.

"You have to attend therapy sessions," Fizban repeated, rubbing his temples. It was bad enough dealing with Raistlin, let alone his whiny apprentice.

"But why?" Tanis asked, feeling a mixture of comfort and irritation at Fizban's presence. It was nice to know the gods were watching over them, yes, but Tanis would have preferred they watched over him from a distance.

"Because if you don't go, Raistlin won't go, and he needs to be redeemed."

"Yes…yes, that's an excellent idea!" Crysania said, nodding her head fervently. Tanis wasn't sure whether she was agreeing because it was Paladine and she was his cleric, or because she was still hung up on Raistlin.

"Well, I'm not going," Dalamar said flatly. "I agree that Raistlin needs serious help, but I don't need therapy. There's nothing wrong with me!"

Fizban's eyes narrowed. "Oh really? You don't think you have deep emotional scarring from being exiled by your own people? Or being betrayed by…well, just about everyone? Or dying that time when Mina killed you? Or having Raistlin choose Palin over you—repeatedly? Or—"

"Aaaagh—shut up!" Dalamar cried, clamping his hands over his ears. He could hear perfectly well anyway, of course. Elves are just cool like that.

"See? You _do_ need therapy," Fizban said, a look of smug self-righteousness on his face. "Now…are you going to come by choice, or will I have get forceful?"  
Tanis sighed. Paladine was his god, Tanis reminded himself. Paladine had aided them in the past. They owed him one…

"…fine," he muttered at last. "I'll go get the others."

-o-o-o-o-o-

There was an awkward silence in the waiting room, mostly filled with murderous glares at Raistlin. He pointedly ignored them all. He didn't give a damn about their own little trials and tribulations. His plan was working perfectly….he rubbed his hands together and gave a quiet evil cackle.

Tanis sighed morosely, his chin in his hands as he leaned forward, looking around the waiting room. It was anachronistic in the extreme; it had a carpeted floor, some stylish chairs, a few modern art-looking paintings on the walls, and a table with outdated magazines scattered across it. There was a plant over in one corner; Tanis suspected it might be fake. Not that he knew what fake plants were, of course.

"Raistlin…_why_?" he moaned in agony, burying his face in his hands. "What did I ever do to deserve this…"

"Plenty," Raistlin said coldly, pulling his robes more tightly around him. "But that's none of my concern. All _I_ care about is getting out of this."

"Oh, what a great plan you have," Dalamar said sarcastically. "In order to get out of this ridiculous—_therapy_—you drag all of us into it as well! I'm sure that's going to convince Fizban to let you go."

Raistlin smiled a crafty smile. In fact, it might almost be called a smirk. "How little you know the ways of mad old wizards, my foolish apprentice. Fizban is not our main concern at all. The one who has real control is…" His voice lowered to a whisper and he leaned forward conspiratorially. "_The author_. Fizban promised me that if I went to therapy, he'd make everyone else go as well. He's a god, he can't just back out on it. And that means Tas has to go to therapy. And we all know Tas is the author's favorite…"

At this point Raistlin subsided into irritated grumbling about how he was much cooler than Tas. Stupid author. Then Raistlin saw the weird looks everyone else was giving him and got back to the point. "As I was saying…once Tas starts complaining about doing this therapy, the author will _of course_ let him stop. And then Fizban will have to keep his promise and let _all_ of us stop."

Jaws dropped as the characters realized the full ramifications of Raistlin's plan. As much as they hated to admit it, he might well be right.

"Now do you see the brilliance of my plan?" Raistlin said, smirking. "Muahahaha….MUAHAHAHA—hack! Hack!" He doubled over, coughing.

Caramon rushed to his side at once. "Raist, how many times do I have to say it? Fizban said maniacal laughter is bad for your health!"

"I don't care what that old fool says!" Raistlin shot back, glowering fiercely at his twin. "Just get me my tea, dammit!"

Caramon sighed and shuffled off to brew his brother's tea. The other characters subsided into only the occasional grumblings of complaint. Dalamar started leafing through some of the magazines on the table.

"These stories don't make any sense," he commented, examining an article in _Martha Stewart Living_.

"That's because they're written in English," Crysania helpfully supplied. "We speak Common, not English."

"And that's a magazine about home décor," Tanis added. "I don't think matching sofas and new bathroom mirrors are really going to do much for your Tower."

Dalamar vented some frustration by throwing the magazine at Tanis' head. Unfortunately it fell woefully short, but before another argument could break out, the door to the therapist's office creaked open.

The characters all held their breath, gazing apprehensively at the figure that was emerging…but wait—there were _two_ people standing there.

"Hi, guys! Isn't this awfully exciting? Subieko says we're all set to start counseling you!"

Raistlin slumped back in his chair and groaned. Just what he needed…psychiatric analysis from _Tas_.

It was going to be a long, long day…


	4. First Impressions

Author's Note: Thanks so much for the reviews, Just Me and IceQueen143! I'm flattered...and I'm glad you enjoyed it. And now...(drumroll)...chapter 3!

Chapter 3: First Impressions

"So…you're Raistlin, correct?"

"You already know who I am—you forced me here in the first place!" Raistlin shouted, glaring at Subieko.

Subieko was unfazed. "I can see that you need help dealing with that anger. So…let's get started. The file, Tas."

Tas rummaged around in one of the desk drawers and pulled out a thick manila folder, stuffed with papers. "Here it is, Subieko! Do I get to read it?"

Subieko smiled indulgently. "Sure, Tas. Why don't you read some of Raistlin's, shall we say, illustrious history…"

Raistlin winced. He had a feeling he knew what was coming…

"Well, it says here in the summary that your mother died when you were a child, your sister was always away, you were bullied, everyone liked your brother better than you, you couldn't get a girlfriend—"

"Hey—that's getting personal!" Raistlin cried.

Subieko rolled her eyes. "_That's_ the part you have a problem with? Sheesh…now you've got an inferiority complex with your brother!"

Raistlin's mouth snapped shut. He had a horrible feeling that every time he said anything, no matter how banal and mundane, the author would think of some new psychological problem for him.

If looks could kill, Subieko would have been long gone. But they couldn't, especially not the author, so she only smirked at Raistlin as Tas read on.

"And then you were cursed at the Tower of High Sorcery, and everybody was afraid of you, and you had no friends, and then you almost died and stuff…this part's kinda boring, I'll just skip it…"

"Boring!? Nothing about me is boring! How dare you skip part of my life story!" Raistlin burst out in spite of himself. Seconds later, seeing the look on the author's face, he cursed himself for a fool.

"Oh I _see_," Subieko said. "So you're an egotistical narcissist as well! You're a megalomaniac!"

"What's wrong with having an accurate opinion of my abilities?" Raistlin said.

Subieko made no comment and gestured for Tas to continue.

"And…ooo, here's an interesting bit—then you tried to become a god! And you abused your apprentice, and Crysania, and your brother, and you were not very nice _at all_ to me…"

That's what this was all about, Raistlin realized. He had plotted to kill Tas. Of course—it was all some kind of sick grudge!

"Nope," Subieko said. "Even though that does annoy me, of course. It's just too funny not to analyze you."

Raistlin groaned. Even his own mind wasn't safe anymore…

"Fine, fine, I won't look at your thoughts. Happy now?"

Raistlin was determined not to say anything else. He would _not_ give Subieko any more ammunition against him…

"Considering how long your file is, why don't we just skip to the end," Subieko said. "You're a narcissistic, megalomaniac, sadistic, sociopathic, manipulative—"

"Could you just get to the point already!?" Raistlin said.

Subieko shrugged. "Fine. Basically…you need help. Serious, serious help. Raistlin…you need our support to recover from your Evil Madman syndrome. You're a villain, Raistlin…but there is help."

"I don't _want_ help!" Raistlin protested. But it was no use.

"Oh really?" Subieko said sweetly. "In that case, perhaps you'd rather I returned you to the Abyss for the rest of eternity. Or you could go visit Lunitari…"

Raistlin slumped back in his chair in defeat. Oh…oh, the agony. It was almost enough to make him wish he'd lived a better life. Cut back on his evil deeds a bit. Occasionally done some community service instead of trying to conquer the world. Not betrayed his companions every once in a while. Respected the gods every so often. Not blinded Crysania. Yes, it was almost enough to make him regret his wicked ways.

Almost.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Tanis peered around the office door. "Er…is it my turn to come in, then?"

Subieko nodded, not looking up from the papers in her lap. Tas waved cheerfully. Taking a deep breath, Tanis stepped inside and shut the door behind him. A sense of dread crept over him as it closed…he was trapped.

"Now…why don't you sit down, Tanis." Tanis could tell it wasn't a question from the way she said it. He didn't dare do otherwise. Tanis sat down gingerly on one of the leather chairs and sank a few inches at once. It was very, very thickly cushioned.

"So…so I'm just here because we all had to do this to make Raistlin come, right?" Tanis said, laughing nervously. "I mean, you don't actually think I need…"

Subieko shut the folder she was paging through and looked Tanis straight in the eye. "Tanis," she said, "Don't make this any harder than it needs to be."

Tanis blanched. "But—but there's nothing wrong with me! I helped defeat Takhisis—I became a war hero! I helped stop Raistlin from destroying the world! I died bravely!"

Subieko looked at him with a mixture of pity and sympathy. "I admit, you did well in spite of your gross psychological problems. But, Tanis…now is the time to get help."

"With _what_?" the half-elf wailed.

"Tanis, I'm afraid that you suffer from Tormented Main Character syndrome. You angst incessantly, blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, make bad decision after bad decision, and have random fits of rage and self-loathing. You're a classic case."

Tanis gasped in horror. "N-no! It…it can't be! Not Tormented Main Character syndrome! Oh…oh, say it isn't true…"

"Acceptance is the first step to recovery, Tanis!" Subieko said encouragingly. "Don't be afraid—Tas and I are here to help you work through this!"

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of," Tanis said.

"Shut up," Subieko said promptly. "Do you want to spend the rest of your life crying and slaughtering people in fits of rage?"

"I only did that once, and he was immortal because of that green gemstone!" Tanis protested.

Subieko ignored him. "Tanis, I realize this is difficult for you to accept, but the amount of angsting you do just isn't normal. Don't you want to be a good leader? A good husband? A good father? A good friend?"

"Y…yes, but…"

"No buts," Subieko said, fixing Tanis with a stern look.

"…all right," Tanis said helplessly. "I'll do it."

"Excellent," Subieko said with a smile.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"No! I refuse! I won't go in, I won't do it!"

"Stop whining and just come on!" Subieko said, tapping her foot impatiently. "I didn't even have this much trouble with Raistlin!"

Fizban glowered at Dalamar. "She's right, you know. You might as well just get it over with."

"Why don't _you_ have to get counseling, you old fool?" Dalamar said.

"I'm the chaperone," Fizban said, sounding scandalized. "Someone has to make sure you all show up! And now, young man, I'm warning you…"

Dalamar was going to refuse again, but it occurred to him that Fizban _was_ a god, and he really didn't need any more gods as enemies. "…fine," he muttered resentfully, and stalked into the room.

Subieko nodded in satisfaction. "Good. We can get started right away."

The door closed and Subieko sat down in her favorite chair. "Ah, here's the file…now I'm sure you realize why you're here."

Dalamar said nothing. He maintained an evil glare, his arms folded across his chest.

Subieko shrugged. "Fine…I'll go through your case history. You were bitter and resentful as a child—"

"What exactly makes you think that?" Dalamar said.

"Well, you wouldn't have tried to learn magic and defied your society's laws if you weren't bitter about being lower class or whatever it was!"

"You don't even _know_? What kind of therapist are you!?"

"Give me a break," Subieko said defensively. "This is my first day!"

"Mine, too," Tas added. "But I think I'm pretty good at it. See, I know how to read these case histories. Yours says that you were exiled, and then you hung out with Raistlin—he's very interesting, isn't he, even if he can be a little mean sometimes—and then you went out with Jenna, and then you almost died, and then—"

"Would you stop reading about my life like I'm not even here? That's _personal_, you know!"

"Dalamar, if you would just calm down, we wouldn't be having this problem," Subieko said.

"If you hadn't forced me to do this, I wouldn't be having this problem!"

"Hey, Subieko?" Tas said, playing idly with his topknot. "No offense, but I'm getting kind of bored…"

"Yeah…you're right, Tas. Dalamar is pretty boring to argue with—he just keeps repeating himself. Let's skip right to the diagnosis."

"I said, there's nothing wrong with me!"

"Except for denial, you mean?" Subieko cut in smoothly. "Anyway…Dalamar, you actually have quite a number of problems. For one thing, a severe inferiority complex, fear of commitment, and you're a manipulative bastard…but one of your biggest problems—"

"I do not have a fear of commitment! I commit to lots of things!"

Subieko rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but you never _stay_ committed. You betray Raistlin, you dump Kitiara, you dump Jenna, you betray Takhisis and Malys…the list goes on."

"I may be self-absorbed, but that doesn't mean I have a fear of commitment!"

"Moving right along," Subieko said loudly, drowning Dalamar out, "Your biggest problem is Semi-Villain Disorder. You're always going back and forth between attacking the main characters and helping them."

"I _am_ a main character!" Dalamar cried.

"Sure you are," Subieko said. "Treatment will be a long and difficult road…but we can do this together, Dalamar. There's no need to fear—Tas and I are on the job."

Subieko and Tas clamped their hands over their ears to drown out the long cry of 'NOOOOOooooo….'

-o-o-o-o-o-

"How many more do we have today, Tas?" Subieko asked wearily, riffling through her files. She hadn't expected counseling to be so tiring. It had all looked so simple in her brother's psychology textbook…

"Well, we were going to do everyone, weren't we?" Tas said. "There's still Crysania and Caramon and Gilthanis and Sturm—"

"Sturm!? We can't do Sturm—he's already fine the way he is! He's way too cool for us to make fun of him!"

"But you did in the last story," Tas pointed out.

"Yeah, but I even made fun of you in that one," Subieko replied. "This is totally different. No, Sturm is out."

"But then he can't be in the story!"

Subieko nodded; it was a fair point. "Hmm…well, he can be like a bodyguard. In case the sessions get out of hand."

"How would that happen?" Tas asked.

"Well, the truth is…I was thinking of doing some group stuff."

"Wow, that sounds like fun!" Tas said, jumping up at once.

"Yeah…but it might turn a little violent—I was thinking of starting with Raistlin."

"And who else?"

"...everyone he's abused," Subieko admitted sheepishly.

"I can't wait," Tas said with a sigh of bliss. It sounded like the most exciting of experiences.


	5. Relationship Problems

Author's Note: Whee, reviews! Just Me, glad you liked Sturm--he's hilarious. Well, when you look at him a certain way...Dark-Necrophhia666, thanks! Jonathan Oak--yes...pity poor Raistlin. He's in for a world of hurt...mostly because he's the most fun to write about. Ah...reviews make me happy. Cause then I know I'm making people laugh. Enjoy chapter 4!

Chapter 4: Relationship Problems

"I think it's time, Lady Subieko," Sturm said, standing like a statue in the corner of the room.

Subieko smiled. "Aw…you called me Lady! That's so awesome! But you don't have to. Hmm…is it really time? Well…send them in." She put away her brother's psychology textbook; she had been paging through it, hoping to find some tips.

Sturm nodded and trudged down the hall to call in her next patients. It was their first attempt at counseling a pair.

Subieko sat in her usual chair, thumbing through her papers. "Okay," she muttered to herself, taking a deep breath. "This is going to be a tough one…but I can do this."

Sturm came back in, followed by Raistlin and Dalamar, who sat down on the couch as far as possible from each other, glaring daggers at Subieko.

Tas ran in, slamming the door behind him. "Hi! I'm not late, am I? I was visiting Flint, and he was so awfully happy to see me that he chased me out of his house and then I got a little off track…I wasn't lost, though. I'm never lost."

"You're not late, Tas," Subieko said. "You're just in time—we're about to start."

"What are we doing today?" Tas said.

Subieko grinned. "We're going to help these two work out there relationship problems!"

"_What_ relationship problems!?" Raistlin said at once. "We don't even _have_ a relationship! Well, not anymore…"

Subieko shook her head pityingly. "I know it's hard to admit, Raistlin…you're a pretty secretive guy. And you have intimacy issues, so—"

"WHAT!?"

"Well, it's true!" Subieko said defensively. "You have trouble getting close to anyone—you don't even trust your own brother! Anyway…I know it's hard for you to face up to your own feelings, Raistlin, but you've got to. Bottling everything up isn't going to help. And that goes for you, too," Subieko added, gesturing in Dalamar's direction.

"I'm not bottling anything up," Dalamar said. "I freely admit that I completely and utterly despise Raistlin."

"Oh really?" Subieko said, a menacing gleam in her eye. "So you deny that you were at one point almost slavishly devoted to helping Raistlin fulfill his goal of achieving godhood? That you admired him to the point of risking life and limb to remain by his side? That you betrayed your own superiors to side with Raistlin? That you even wished to be like Raistling?"

"So what!?" Dalamar said. "Anyone would want to be like Raistlin—he's the most powerful wizard in the history of Kyrnn! I can respect someone without _liking_ them!"

Tas doubled over in a fit of giggles. "Gee, you sure are touchy about this! But Raistlin's pretty touchy too. I remember the time when he threatened to turn me into a cricket if I looked at his spell books…"

"Exactly right, Tas," Subieko said. "You wouldn't be so touchy if I was telling the truth. You and Raistlin have a very intense emotional relationship. You have a past, and unfortunately a lot of it is bitter memories. But you _can_ work through that!"

"I don't _want_ to work through it!" Dalamar said. "I'm perfectly happy hating Raistlin!"

"And I'm perfectly happy considering him a weak and unworthy underling," Raistlin said.

Subieko let out a gusty sigh. "Happy? You call this happy? It's so obvious that you really miss each other! If you would just accept that—"

"Are you _blind_!?" Raistlin and Dalamar said together. This started another argument, of course.

"Don't copy me!" Dalamar said to Raistlin.

"Copy you? Why would I want to imitate a loser like you who can't even think of a better word than 'copy'!" Raistlin replied.

"You wish my ideas were half as good as yours—I'm a much better planner," Dalamar said.

"I, unlike you, am a genius. I almost became a God—and I only failed because I _chose_ not to! My plans are clearly superior to anything you ever came up with."

"Are not!" Dalamar said.

"Are too!" Raistlin shot back.

"Are not!"

"Are too!"  
Tas looked back and forth between the two of them like a spectator at a tennis match. "Wow—I've never seen those two argue like this before with anyone!"

Subieko, meanwhile, was growing frustrated. "Do I have to separate you two?"

"He started it!" the two wizards cried together. Then they both shouted, "Stop copying me!"

Sturm coughed meaningfully, and they subsided. Subieko was extremely glad she had thought to get Sturm to help her. "Now that _that's_ settled…don't you see how obvious it is that you two really get along well? Good friends fight, you know. Besides, you have a lot in common!"

"Like what?" Dalamar said sullenly.

"Well, you're both power-hungry and ambitious. And you defy your own societies—like how Raistlin totally went against the wizard's council. And it's not just Raistlin who have intimacy issues—you both do."

"You think _he_ has intimacy issues?" Raistlin said in astonishment. "You're an even worse psychiatrist than I thought, and I didn't think my opinion could get any lower at this point."

"No, it's true! See, having relationships doesn't mean you don't have intimacy issues. Trouble committing is a sign of them too, because you can't stay close to someone. And there's emotional intimacy too, which both of you have trouble with."

"Actually, Raistlin is pretty emotional," Tas mused. "He's always shouting at me. And at everyone else, too. Dalamar's kind of unemotional, though. He always acts all calm."

"That's just because he's afraid to show his emotions, Tas," Subieko said. "Deep down, he's a deeply insecure and vulnerable person who continually gets into dependent relationships and then destroys them by abusing the other person to reassert his own power."

"…oh," Tas said. "I thought it was just because he was kinda laid back. You know, like he doesn't really care about too much. Really relaxed."

Subieko rolled her eyes. "No one is _that_ chill. He definitely has issues. Anyway, you agree about him and Raistlin, right?"

Tas shrugged. "I don't know…they never seemed all that friendly. Raistlin doesn't really like anybody all that much. Although now that I think about it, they did spend a lot of time together…"

"Exactly!" Subieko cried. "And they bonded because they're both power-hungry, manipulative societal outcasts!"

"Wow," Tas said. "They really _do_ have a lot in common! They could be great friends! …well, when they aren't trying to manipulate each other."

"Would you two stop it!? It's bad enough to be forced into this stupid therapy—I don't need to be analyzed by a kender!" Dalamar said.

Tas glared at the elven wizard. "For your information, kenders know _lots_ about analyzing. Why, my Uncle Trapspringer…"

"Shut up, you pipsqueak!" Raistlin said. "Now you listen to me…_author_. I don't have anything in common with Dalamar, and while he was a useful pawn in my power struggle, I certainly don't want to be his friend!"  
"I never said you wanted to be his _friend…_" Subieko said, smirking.

"What's that supposed to mean!?"

"Don't ask her," Sturm said suddenly. "I really, really don't want to know."

"Well I do!" Raistlin replied. "I demand to know what she's insinuating!"

"Me too," Dalamar said. "I can't refute an argument I haven't heard.

Subieko sighed. "Guys, therapy is all about admitting your real feelings to yourselves. If I just _tell_ you, it won't make an impact. You have to discover them. I'm just here to help."

"If you really want to help, let us leave," Dalamar suggested.

"Why?" Tas asked. "Do you have somewhere you need to go? Oh—maybe you two are going to hang out together."

Subieko grinned. "Very perceptive, Tas…"

"That's not it at all!" Dalamar protested. Unfortunately for him, both Tas and the author ignored his feeble effort.

"Now look, you two…you need to stop denying it. Yes, it's difficult, yes, there will be challenges, but if you don't take that risk, you could miss out on an ultimately fulfilling relationship! You'll be happier that way!"

"Lady Subieko…please, stop. I think I'm going to be sick," Sturm said. He did look a little green in the face, but it could have been the bad lighting.

"But it's right here in the file!" Subieko protested, waving the manila envelope around. "See? There's loads of stuff about their repressed feelings and—oh. Wait."

"What is it?" Tas asked.

Subieko blushed. "Er…well, it seems that I…um…took the wrong file. This one is Crysania's, not Dalamar's."

Subieko instantly received death glares from two very angry wizards.

"Look…there's no need to take this personally, guys, I was just working from faulty information…just—just forget it, okay?"

Raistlin looked so angry, Tas wouldn't have been surprised to see steam come pouring out of his ears. "You were planning to set me up with Cyrsania?" he asked in a voice of deadly calm.

"Noooo…" Subieko said innocently. "But you have to admit, there are still some issues to be resolved there…"

Seeing the look on Raistlin's face, Subieko was _very_ glad Sturm had agreed to help her out.

-o-o-o-o-o-

A second author's note: I feel like I should explain the main joke in this one...I've seen a lot of DL fanfics with a Dalamar-Raistlin pairing, which I just don't get. They seem like if they spent too much time together they'd end up killing each other...but anyway I was just poking fun at that. No offense to anyone who likes the pairing. It was just too funny not to do. Hope you enjoyed it.


	6. Addicts

Author's Note: Here I am again! Thanks for the reviews, Just Me and Ambrosius Emrys! Just Me, Raistlin appears in a couple books after Dragons of Summer Flame...some of the prequels, obviously, and he gets a cameo in War of Souls. Some previously ignored characters appear in this chapter...hope you enjoy!

Chapter 5: Addicts

"Couldn't I have just one bottle? Just one glass? Just one _sip_!?

"_No_, Caramon!" Subieko said, glaring at the massive warrior. "What did Fizban tell you?"

Caramon fidgeted, not meeting Subieko's eyes. "He said…he said I should cut back…"

"Is that really what he said, Caramon?"

Caramon was now staring at the floor. "…no…" he said at last.

"And what did he tell you? Don't lie about this, Caramon," Subieko said sternly.

Caramon cringed, but he said in a small voice, "He said if I started drinking again all of the rehab would be for nothing."

"That's right!" Subieko said, smiling. Caramon hesitantly smiled too, but then Subieko's eyebrows snapped together. "And that means no drinking!"

Caramon sighed morosely. "So that's all you're counseling me about?"  
"I'm afraid not, Caramon. Actually…we have a number of problems to cover. First of all, your dependency issues. First your brother, then booze, then your brother and Crysania, Tika, your friends…you don't have your own life!"

"Th—that's not true!" Caramon protested. "I do lots of things on my own…like—like fighting! I'm a great fighter!"

"Caramon, you fight with your brother or your friends. And you trained with your friends. That doesn't count."

"Okay, well…how about my Inn?" Caramon said.

Subieko shook her head. "You run the Inn with your wife."

"Well—well—" Caramon fell silent, unable to think of anything he did by himself. Then something struck him. "But what's wrong with that? I'm just very connected with the people I care about."

Subieko nodded. "Yes, and that's a good thing, Caramon. However, you're connected to your friends to the point of being dependent on them. Like your brother, for example…"

Caramon blushed.

Seeing this, Subieko drove her point home. "When your brother decided to live his own life apart from you, you completely fell apart and became a drunkard! And now, even after _months_ of rehab, you're trying to get me to let you drink again!"

"B…but…" Caramon began sniffling.

"Oh shut up, you lunkhead!" came a voice from the door. It was followed by an explosion of coughing.

"Raist!?" Caramon said, leaping up. "You're here…!"

"Don't hug me!" Raistlin snapped as Caramon ran over to him.

"He's right," Subieko said. "You'll probably crack his ribs or something."  
Wiping his mouth with a bloody handkerchief, Raistlin sat down gingerly on the couch. Caramon sat next to him, smiling widely.

"Gosh, Raist, I missed you so much. I have so much to tell you—about Tika, and the kids, and you should see Palin he reminds me of you but not evil, and—"

"Caramon…can we please _focus_?" Subieko said pointedly. "Now, I'm sure you two know why we're here."

"So Raist can be healed and become a good guy again and come stay with us and take the white robes!?"

"Um…no," Subieko said. "Anyway, you're both here because you have to deal with your addiction issues, and I thought it would be good for us to work through them together. Oh, and you have a dangerously codependent relationship."

"I am NOT dependent on him!" Raistlin shouted.

"Oh, no," Subieko said. "Of course you're not dependent on him. You don't have a complex about how he helped you for so many years. Your ambitions to be a god don't have anything to do with how weak and powerless you felt as a child, when Caramon had to protect you. You don't keep dragging him into your evil plots because you can't let him go. _Obviously_ you're not dependent."

"That's not true!" Raistlin said, pulling his hair in his agitation.

Caramon looked hopefully at Raistlin. "Raist…maybe she's right. Maybe we really _are_ closely connected. Maybe you can come back and live with us and we can all be together…!"

"NO!" Raistlin shrieked, clutching at his hair.

"Both of you, calm down! Now…since we've already talked about Caramon's addictions, let's talk about yours, Raistlin."

"I don't _have_ any addictions!"

"Yes you do! You're addicted to your magic!"

"My life is centered around my magic—it's my art!" Raistlin protested. He was _not_ addicted to his magic—he just enjoyed using it. "I can stop any time I want to," he added.

"Oh yeah?" Subieko said, with a threatening gleam in her eye. "Prove it. I dare you to go off magic _completely_ for a week."

"Why should I?" Raistlin said.

"What—are you afraid that you can't do it? Afraid that you'll be forced to admit to your own pathological need for your magic? Afraid to—"

"Fine, I'll do it!" Raistlin said, in a moment of shocking stupidity. But even an evil genius can fall for that trick.

Subieko smiled a crafty smile that rivaled Raistlin's.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Psst…what's the matter with him?" Tanis whispered to Sturm.

Some of the companions were loitering back at the Inn of the Last Home, waiting for tomorrow's therapy sessions. Raistlin was huddled in the corner by the fire, muttering to himself and rocking back and forth.

Sturm just shook his head. "I wouldn't go near him," he told Tanis. "He's detoxing."

"Detoxing?"

Sturm nodded. "From his magic. He bet Lady Subieko he could go without magic for a week. I may not like him, but even I pity the poor fool…"

"But it's only been a few hours," Tanis pointed out.

Dalamar snorted. "See? He's a complete failure. Unworthy to be a wizard! I am obviously vastly superior to that loser!"

"Don't let Subieko hear you say that," Tanis said morosely. "She'll find some way to turn it into another weird problem."

Dalamar made an indistinct 'harumph' noise. He was still irked about the whole Raistlin incident. "I mean, what idiot would think that Raistlin and I were even allies, let alone—" He abruptly fell silent.

"Let alone what?" Tanis asked.

Sturm hastily clamped a hand over Dalamar's mouth. "Believe me, Tanis…you don't want to know."

Caramon, meanwhile, was chattering to Tika, trying not to stare at the ale kegs. "So Raist and I went to therapy today, and he bet Subieko he could go without magic for a week! Imagine if he completely recovers, Tika—he could stop using magic and come stay with us, and we could buy a little farm and I could raise rabbits…"

Tika gave Caramon a vaguely disturbed look. "Um…Caramon…you run an Inn. Not a farm."

Caramon ignored her. He was staring at the ale again.

Laurana joined Tanis, Sturm, and a very annoyed Dalamar at the table. Dalamar was busy cursing at Sturm for trying to suffocate him. Sturm gave a world-weary sigh and downed another mug of ale.

"You know, Tanis, something just occurred to me…"

"What is it, my dear?" Tanis said fondly.

"For some reason, it seems like everyone's problems have gotten _worse_ since Subieko started giving us therapy sessions. Isn't it supposed to be the complete opposite?"

Tanis gave this serious thought, and realized that Laurana was absolutely right.

Dalamar stopped shouting at Sturm to join the conversation. "How would you know? She hasn't even analyzed you yet!"

Laurana shrugged. "It's just a thought."

Suddenly, the door of the Inn slammed open. Everyone turned to see who had just entered so violently.

Tanis winced. It was Kitiara, accompanied by Lord Soth.

"Oh no," Dalamar muttered, hiding behind Sturm.

"What's the matter with you now?" Laurana asked.

"She tried to kill me!"

"Dalamar, you killed _her_. If anyone should be worried, it's not you."

Dalamar mumbled something indistinct and sidled off. Kitiara marched up to the bar and ordered the most alcoholic drink available, then sat down and began quaffing it by the tankard. Lord Soth stood vaguely nearby, looking like he would very much enjoy a drink, if only he wasn't dead.

"Hey…it's Kitiara! Boy, it's been ages since we saw her!" Caramon said, getting up to go greet his sister.

Kitiara glared at him with bloodshot eyes. "You wanna fight?" she muttered.

"Actually, I just wanted to say hi…"

"If you don't wanna fight, then leeme 'lone, dammit!" she shouted, slamming her fists on the bar.

"What's the matter with her?" Tanis asked, coming over with Laurana. Sturm, meanwhile, was dragging Dalamar out of a back room to talk to Kitiara. If he had to suffer through this, he would at least make sure someone else did too.

Lord Soth turned his cold gaze on Tanis. "She's detoxing," he said, his voice echoing out of his helmet.

"Why do you sound like you're in a tunnel?" asked Sturm, coming to stand next to Tanis. Dalamar cowered behind him.

"Because I'm a villain. And I'm dead. It's a common property among characters like myself—look at Darth Vader."

"He wasn't dead," Laurana pointed out. She was the only one who _didn't_ seem apprehensive about the conversation, which was strange since she had been kidnapped by Lord Soth.

Lord Soth just shrugged. "It's the same theory."

"Never mind that," Tanis said. "What's Kit detoxing from?"

"Fighting. And sex," Lord Soth said.

There was a long and extremely awkward silence. Caramon made a hasty escape and returned to Tika's side, downing countless mugs of water since he couldn't have ale.

"…huh?" Tanis finally came out with.

"Oh, yes. Her whole family is full of addicts. Those two brothers of hers are prime examples," Lord Soth said. "I can't believe I was _interested_ in her…"

"The author's going to give all three of them therapy, isn't she?" Dalamar said. Kitiara had just passed out at the bar, so he figured it was safe to come out.

Lord Soth nodded gloomily. "It was inevitable. She didn't get into the last story, after all. Besides…"

Tanis gulped. He had a feeling he knew what was coming next.

"The author undoubtedly thinks that a session with Kitiara, Tanis, and Laurana would be too good to miss. Maybe Dalamar, too."

Everyone in the Inn clapped their hands over their ears to block out the mass cries of "NOOOOOooooo…."


	7. Geometric Romance

Author's Note: Whoa did this chapter get long...I just realized this story is almost entirely dialogue. Hopefully that doesn't bother anyone. Thank you to Phoenixasending, Ambrosius Emrys, Just Me, goldnote, and Jonathon Oak for reviewing! And yes, Caramon's rabbit farm is a reference to _Of Mice and Men_. Lenny kinda reminded me of Caramon, sooo...yeah. Oh, and about the title of this chapter--it's a joke on love triangles. The DL characters have such twisted love lives that they form every shape in existence. Enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 6: Geometric Romance

Tanis sat in his chair in the waiting room, an expression of complete and utter dread on his face. This was it—his last few minutes alive. He had a vague notion that one was supposed to enjoy oneself to the fullest if one discovered that one only had a day to live or whatever. He also had a vague notion that he should stop using 'one' in his internal narration. It was all about him, after all.

But that was digressing, and Tanis had no time for digression. He was about to meet his Doom. He was about to face the most terrifying thing in the known world. No, it wasn't the Cataclysm. It wasn't the Queen of Darkness. It wasn't Chaos himself. It wasn't Caramon dressed in drag (Tanis experienced a moment relief from his dread as it was replaced by revulsion).

He was about to enter Subieko's office, accompanied by Laurana. And Kitiara.

The door creaked open.

"C'mon in, guys—we're all ready!" Tas said, waving eagerly at his friends.

Tanis felt as if he had lead weights in his boots. It occurred to him that he should have put lead weights in them on purpose as an excuse not to go. True, it was a stupid plan, but he wasn't thinking too clearly at the moment.

The door closed behind him.

He had entered the only place worse than the Abyss.

He was trapped in the office of a totally incompetent author/psychiatrist, aided by a totally incompetent kender/psychiatrist.

Tanis began to whimper softly.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Tanis, you are really making this much more difficult than it needs to be," Subieko said with a reproving glare.

Tanis was huddled in the corner, his hands clamped over his ears. He had managed to hang on for a while, but when Kitiara slapped him, that had been the end of it. Laurana was still on the couch, looking supremely bored.

"Subieko…can I go? You don't really need me here for this…"

"No, Laurana! Tanis needs you! Look at him cowering and sniveling in the corner—what will he do without your love and support!?" Subieko said at once, slamming her files down on her desk.

"Look, I love Tanis, but at this point I don't know what we can even do."

Tanis was now rocking back and forth, muttering indistinctly.

Subieko sighed, a grave look on her face. "Laurana, Tanis needs to work through his emotional conflicts. You and Kitiara clearly represent basic Jungian archetypes!"

"Subieko…Tanis was torn between Kitiara and me because he's half-human half-elven. When he left Qualinesti, he was attracted to Kitiara because she was so different from the elves…one of those dark temptress attraction things."

"Wow, that's a pretty good idea!" Tas said. "Say, Laurana, maybe you should help us!"

"No, Tas," Subieko said sharply. "That is _completely wrong_. We're the psychiatrists here!"

Tas nodded. "Ooo—then I've got an idea! Tanis likes Kitiara because she hates him, and he likes Laurana because she loves him!"

"That doesn't make sense!" Laurana said.

Subieko gave the idea due consideration. "Tas, I think you've cut to the very heart of the problem! Tanis has a mangled self-esteem that leads him to vacillate between self-loathing and self-aggrandizement!"

"I don't know what that means, but if you say so!" Tas said.

Laurana buried her head in her hands. If this was the team that was supposed to help them, they were doomed.

"Lady Subieko…are you sure that's the answer?"

Subieko turned and fixed Sturm with a steely glare. "Suddenly you want to be a therapist too?"

Sturm shook his head vehemently. "Of course not, Lady Subieko, of course not…it's just that I've known Tanis for a long time, and he doesn't seem quite the type…"

"Fine," Subieko snapped, reaching into her bag. She yanked out a copy of the _Annotated Dragonlance Chronicles_. "Laurana, you're Tanis' positive choice pole, Kitiara is his negative choice pole, and the fate of Kyrnn is…some other pole. Tanis chooses you because he's a hero and he's fulfilling his heroic destiny by overcoming his temptations and ultimately choosing the path of love and righteousness. Happy now?"

Tas frowned, scratching his head. "I don't know, Subieko…that doesn't sound like much fun."

"Yeah," Subieko said with a gusty sigh. "Too bad…"

"Should we think of something else?"

"Let's."

Laurana groaned. It was going to be a long, long, long day. Then something occurred to her. "Hey—why hasn't Kitiara said anything this whole time? She's not exactly the shy and retiring type."

"Er…that is…"

Laurana glanced over at the chair where Kitiara was sitting. She had been gagged to stop her from cursing and demanding sex, combat, and strong alcohol at intervals. "…oh. That explains it."

Sturm, meanwhile, was gently shaking Tanis. "Tanis? It's all right now. Subieko isn't analyzing you anymore. Just take deep breaths…that's it…"

"Yes…yes, you're right, Sturm…mustn't lose control…must stay focused…"

"Too late for that," Sturm muttered, seeing a fiendish grin cross Subieko's face.

"Sturm? I just had an excellent idea. We just need to complete the square!"

"When did therapy turn into the quadratic formula?" Laurana asked.

Subieko shushed her. "What we have here is a love triangle, right? Well, make that love square—Kitiara had Sturm's child. So, actually, we need to complete the pentagon. Er, make that hexagon, actually…oh whatever, just send in Dalamar and Lord Soth."

Sturm looked up in alarm. "Lady Subieko, they won't all fit in this little office!"

"Yeah, it's getting a little cramped," Tas said. "Let's go back to the Inn—I could use some more of those spiced potatoes."

Subieko nodded, and away they went.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Huh? You guys are done already?" Caramon said as Subieko, Sturm, Tas, Tanis, Laurana, and Kitiara trooped through the door. Well, most of them trooped. Kitiara was being force-marched by a very unhappy Sturm.

"Nope," Tas said. "We're going to do the therapy session in here because there're so many people in it! And this way we can have snacks!"

Caramon was momentarily speechless at the sheer madness of this idea. "But—but—no way, Subieko! You can't!"

Subieko's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Caramon…I am the author. That means I can do basically whatever I want. So if you don't want to be dragged into therapy with this lot, I would advise you to comply."

Caramon fell silent, trying to figure out what 'comply' meant. Subieko took that as a yes.

"Okay, everyone—grab a seat. And Sturm, go call Dalamar and Lord Soth."

Sturm sighed deeply and clanked off. Moments later, a scuffle erupted next door.

"No! NO! I won't do it, I won't do it, let me go you blasted knight!"

Subieko rolled her eyes. "He is _so_ immature…"

"Or maybe he just doesn't enjoy torture," Laurana suggested, propping her chin up with one hand. "I'd get out of here too if I could."

"Why, Laurana? This is so much fun!" said Tas, taking a swig from the enormous mug in front of him.

"Fun for _you_, maybe," Tanis muttered darkly, edging his chair as far away from Kitiara as possible.

At that moment, Lord Soth drifted in. Sturm followed him at a slower pace, hampered by a kicking and screaming Dalamar.

"Let me go! If I had my spell components…"

Subieko shook her head pityingly. "See? This is exactly why I had to confiscate all the weapons. Except Sturm's, of course. And Tas's. And mine."

"You have _weapons_?" Tanis whispered in horror.

Subieko nodded. "Yep. Who doesn't?"

Sturm plunked Dalamar down into a chair, then resumed his post, standing rigidly behind Subieko's chair. Lord Soth sat down with a heavy thunk, his chair creaking dangerously.

"Are we ready to begin?" he said, his voice echoing slightly as usual.

"Almost," Subieko said. "Just rip the gag off of Kitiara's mouth and we'll be all set."

"What!? No!" Dalamar and Tanis cried together. But it was no use. Lord Soth reached out and de-gagged the former Dragon Highlord at once.

Kitiara coughed several times, looking around at them all. Dalamar cringed as she turned to him. "Hey…y'wanna have sex?"

There was a long, awkward silence. "What's wrong with her?" Dalamar said.

Subieko just shrugged. "She's detoxing, same as Raistlin. We haven't let her fight anyone or sleep with anyone for almost a week now."

"A _week_?" cried Tanis. "Shouldn't she have her hands tied or something? She's dangerous!"  
"Oh come on, Tanis, she's much too out of it to be a danger to anyone," Subieko said.

At that moment, Kitiara grabbed Dalamar's sleeve. "So y'wanna fight, then? C'mon—let's go! I bet you I can rip yer guts out without my sword!"

"You already did!" Dalamar cried, shoving his chair away. Why, why, _why_, did he have to be the one sitting next to Kitiara?

"That's quite enough, you two," Subieko said firmly. "Now…you're all here because of your twisted love-lives. You're beyond love triangle. I don't know if there's even a shape for all of you anymore."

Tanis was shaking his head so hard the companions thought it might fly off. "No, no, I resolved all my emotional conflicts in _Test of the Twins_! I love Laurana, not Kitiara! I let Lord Soth drag her off to some hideous eternal torment and everything!"

"Oh suck it up," Dalamar said. "If I have to suffer, so do you."

"Why is Dalamar here anyway?" Laurana asked. "He has so many relationship problems, he doesn't even belong as part of our…love-shape."

"Well…let's pretend he has a thing for you, okay?" Subieko replied.

"I do not!" Dalamar said, but he was ignored. As usual.

"Let's just move on... Now, Tanis, why were you interested in Kitiara and why did you ultimately choose Laurana?"

Tanis stood up before the group, fidgeting nervously. "Er…my name is Tanis, and I'm…"

Subieko held up a hand, stopping him. "Tanis. This isn't an AA meeting. Just get on with it."

"…right. So…so, I was interested in Kitiara because she's—well, she's—"

"Attractive?" Laurana suggested dryly.

"Well—well, yes, but that wasn't the only thing! She's also…erm…a skilled sword fighter…and she's…well, she's very authoritative, she's got a—a lot of self-confidence…"

Laurana's glare became more intense. Tanis swallowed hard and began talking faster.

"But I ultimately chose Laurana because she wise, and compassionate, and calm, and a good leader, and brave, and…and…well, she was pretty beautiful too," Tanis muttered, shame-faced.

There was silence for a moment. Then Laurana slowly got up. "Tanis…"

Tanis gulped. "Yes, dear?"  
"I love you!" Laurana cried, flinging her arms around Tanis.

"Y-yeah…I, um, love you too…"

"Okay that's enough," Subieko said. "This is a therapy session, not a make-out session. Get back in your seats."

"But can't we go now?" Tanis said, astonished. "We're done! We're cured!"

"Oh no you aren't," Subieko said. "_I'll_ be the judge of when you're cured. Besides, we need you to stay. Everyone else has emotional conflicts with the two of you as well."

"Like what?" Laurana asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well…what about Dalamar and Tanis having that fight thing over Kitiara?"  
"I did not!" Tanis and Dalamar said together.

"Did too!" Subieko shot back. "Anyway, you two always seem to end up together. In _Test of the Twins_, that time when Tanis' son got kidnapped…I mean, why did you help with that anyway? It's almost enough to make me think…"

"Think _what_?" Dalamar said, glaring at Subieko.

"Oh, nothing…" Subieko said, a look of determined innocence on her face.

"What? Tell me!" Dalamar said.

Sturm shook his head vehemently, gesturing violently to Dalamar. "Don't ask—please, don't ask! Don't you remember the last time?"

Dalamar opened his mouth to ask again anyway, but Sturm promptly clapped his hand over it. "Lady Subieko, can we move on to the next case…?"

Subieko shrugged. "If you like. Now…which should we do next, Tas?"  
"Hmmm," Tas said, his small brow furrowed. "How about Lord Soth? I've always liked Lord Soth. I remember that time when Mina killed him—boy, that was exciting! If I had to be undead, I think I'd like to be a death knight."

Lord Soth turned his fiery gaze on Tas. "Kender, if you don't watch your tongue, I may have to stop suppressing my supernatural terror…"

"But I can't do it!" Tas cried, going cross-eyed as he tried to watch his tongue. "Ith too haad, Lor' Thoth!"

"…oh, just shut up," the death knight groaned.

"_You_ shut up," Subieko said. "Now, Lord Soth…why were you interested in Kitiara?"

Lord Soth shrugged, or at least his armor did. It struck the companions that seeing an empty suit of armor shrug was really, really creepy. Only Subieko and Tas were unfazed. "She's ambitious. She lets no one stand in her way. She cares only about herself. She's ruthless."

"Since when are those _attractive_ qualities?" Tanis whispered to Laurana.

"He's a death knight," she whispered back. "Who knows what he thinks?"

"I can hear you, you know," Lord Soth said. Tanis and Laurana jumped.

"So, Lord Soth…you seem to be the only one who isn't delusional about Kitiara. Well, probably Dalamar too. Speaking of which, why were you interested in Kitiara, Dalamar?"

"I refuse to answer that!" Dalamar said, his arms folded stubbornly.

"Ooo I bet I know!" Tas said gleefully. "Because he thought Kitiara was hot!"

"…since when do you call people hot?" Subieko said.

Tas shrugged. "I'm right, aren't I? Yes, I knew it—see, Dalamar's getting all upset."

"Upset? You think _this_ is upset? I'm going to strangle you, you—you—_kender_!"

"Why, thank you!" Tas said.

Sturm coughed softly. "Lady Subieko…don't you think this is getting a little out of hand?"

Subieko turned around, surprised. "Out of hand? Sturm, this is _healing_. They're all letting their emotions out and working through them!"

At that moment there was a tremendous crash. Subieko turned around to see Kitiara tackle Dalamar, demanding bloodshed, while Tanis and Laurana tried to pull her off. Lord Soth was watching from the sidelines, commentating.

"And now it's a blow to the jaw for Dalamar, oh that looks like it hurt…but he's back up with help from Laurana! Tanis doesn't look too happy about that…ah, Kitiara has turned her attention to him, he's holding his own for now…ooo, that had to hurt…"

Tanis was doubled over after being kicked in the crotch by Kitiara. She, meanwhile, was crazily lunging toward Laurana. Tanis stepped forward to intervene, but tripped over Dalamar, who crashed into Lord Soth. On the sidelines, Tas giggled uproariously.

"Boy, Lord Soth sure is out of character!"

Sturm groaned. "I'm going to have to break this up, aren't I?"

"Nah," Subieko said, getting up. "This is healthy—they have to work out their aggressions. C'mon, Tas, Sturm. Let's go get some shut-eye before tomorrow's session…"

"Who are we doing tomorrow!?" Tas said eagerly.

Subieko shrugged. "Not sure yet…I was thinking, say...Raistlin and Crysania? We could bring Caramon and Tika in too if you want."

Tas sighed in pure bliss. "This is absolutely the most interesting thing I've ever done."

Sturm just groaned again. Down below, there was a loud thud and another crash as the table collapsed.


	8. Salvation in Half an Hour

Author's Note: At last, a new chapter...thanks to everyone who reviewed! My PC is currently busted, so I'm posting on a borrowed one...if updates become irregular, that's why. Just so no one thinks I'm a lazy author. Hope you like the chapter!

Chapter 7: Salvation in Half an Hour

Raistlin sat in the cramped waiting room chair with his hands pressed over his ears. For the last hour, he had been listening to Crysania pray to Paladine. Frankly, Raistlin had had enough of Paladine to last a lifetime, and he didn't see a need to pray to the old fool because he was standing only a few feet away.

"Would you tell her to shut up?" Raistlin said, turning to the god/wizard.

Fizban shrugged. "Why should I? I love it when people pray to me. Makes a god feel appreciated…needed."

"But you're standing _right there_! She could just talk to you!"

"Well maybe she doesn't want you eavesdropping on our conversation, young man! When I was your age I had respect for my elders…"

Raistlin ground his teeth, seething. "When you were my age, you were defying your own father by making the world."

"...that doesn't count! I'm a god, I have to create things!"

Raistlin opened his mouth to argue back, but just then the office door swung open. Tas stepped out, straightening his new, bright purple tunic. He had gotten it especially for the occasion.

"Come on in, you two—Subieko says we're all set!"

Crysania finished her prayer, rose to her feet, and sailed into the room. Raistlin glanced at the door, wondering if he had time for a quick escape.

"Don't even think about," Fizban said.

Cursing under his breath, Raistlin followed Crysania into Subieko's office.

"There you are—I hope you didn't mind waiting so long," Subieko said, waving at the two.

Raistlin didn't need to say a word. His vicious stare said it all.

"Anyway," Subieko said hastily, "We're all ready now. We have a difficult task ahead of us…"

"Yes…but with Paladine's help, we will prevail!" Crysania said, clasping her platinum dragon medallion fervently.

"Oh, boy—Fizban's going to come help too? How exciting!" said Tas.

"No, he isn't," Subieko said. "What gave you that idea, Crysania?"

"Wait—what?" Crysania said, bewildered. "But…but I thought we were going to save Raistlin's soul!"

"WHAT!?" Raistlin shrieked. "My soul doesn't need to be saved! I'm fine the way I am!"

Subieko shook her head sadly. "You two are in dire straights, but there's hope. Today…we're going to save _both_ your souls!"

"But my soul is already saved, Subieko," Crysania said.

Subieko whipped out Crysania's file. This time she checked the name very carefully; it would be the height of irony if she grabbed Dalamar's by mistake. "Let's see, Crysania…you prayed to Paladine to give you an important mission so you could have fame and glory and all that jazz. You actively _sought out_ Raistlin, who then roped you into his mission to become a god. Which, I might add, involved killing _your_ god."

"But Raistlin tricked me into it!"

Subieko rolled her eyes. "Crysania…you thought the Kingpriest was a good but misunderstood guy. You followed Raistlin into the Abyss and nearly died for him! What kind of trick are you trying to pull here? You're worse than he is!"

"That is completely untrue!" Raistlin cried, jumping to his feet. "I am _much_ more evil than her! I'm an evil genius—no one is more evil than me! Why, I'll have you know—"

"Yeah, yeah," Subieko said, gesturing for Sturm to shove Raistlin back into his seat. "What about when you helped plague victims? What about you and Bupu? What about sacrificing yourself at the end of _Test of the Twins_? What about you and Palin? And what about when you helped the gods find the world?"

"Lies—all lies! I was misrepresented! MISREPRESENTED I TELL YOU!"  
"Shut up, Raistlin! Tas, what's your analysis?"

Tas pondered this for a moment, snuggling deeper into his large armchair. "Hmm-mm-mmm…well, I think he's a very interesting person to hang around with. Although he can be pretty nasty, like when he killed Gnimsh. But if he's in a good mood, he'll even magic you into a duckpond!"

"That's true, Tas," Subieko said, smiling fondly at the kender. "But what do you think about the condition of his soul?"

Tas shrugged. "Doesn't he get forgiven and all in the end? I think his soul is already saved. By the gods and his brother."

"Oh…yeah. I mean, I know that!"

"So why am I here?" Raistlin said acidly.

Subieko blushed. "Er…because we need your help to save Crysania's soul! And we only have half an hour, so we have to work fast!"

Sturm went pale. "You're planning to save Crysania—the head of the Church of Paladine—in _half an hour_!? Blasphemy!"

Subieko shrugged. "This is the new age, Sturm…get with the times. Anyway, Raistlin, Crysania needs to come to terms with her deep love and devotion to you."

"My _what_!?"

"She's not in love with Raistlin anymore, Subieko," Tas said. "I think she has a thing for that guy Dalamar turned into a tiger."

"…huh?"

"Yeah…I can't remember what book it's in. One of those side story ones."

"Whatever," Subieko said, waving away the clearly unnecessary information. If the psychiatrist didn't know it, no one else needed to…right? "Anyway, she still obviously harbors deep and unrequited feelings for Raistlin!"

"I don't—I already got over them!" Crysania protested.

"I refuse to stand this for one more minute!" Raistlin said. "I don't care what Fizban says, I'm leaving!"

Subieko's eyes narrowed. "Sturm…"

Sturm swallowed hard. "Yes, Lady Subieko?" he said, his voice shaking.

Subieko smiled an evil smile. "Tie him to the chair and duct-tape his mouth shut."

"NOOOOoooo…." Raistlin cried. But it was no use—soon he was restrained, forced to endure the therapy session.

"So, Crysania…how does seeing Raistlin tied up make you feel?" Subieko said.

The cleric shifted her chair as far away from Raistlin's as she could. "Vaguely disturbed, actually."

"Really? It doesn't bring forth any long-buried feelings and desires? It doesn't conjure up fantasies of you and Raistlin—"

"Er…Subieko?" Tas said tentatively. "I think maybe you should stop—Sturm looks like he's going to throw up."

Subieko turned around and saw that Sturm was indeed crouched on the floor, his hands clapped over his mouth, his face tinged green.

"Man, Sturm, you're such a pansy!"

Sturm whimpered faintly. Sighing, Subieko waved him to a spare chair. "Fine, fine…I won't talk about that, okay? Here, have some anti-nausea medicine…"

Sturm swallowed the pills she gave him and hunkered down in his chair, waiting for Subieko's next comment in terror.

"Anyway, Crysania…Let's talk about Raistlin—just in general. Starting with his physical attributes…what do you think, Tas?"

Tas sat forward eagerly. "Well, Raistlin used to be almost normal-looking, but then after his Test at the Tower of High Sorcery—I've been there, it was very interesting and I got turned into a mouse, do you want to hear the story?"

"Some other time, Tas…"

Tas shrugged. "Okay. Anyway, then Raistlin got that weird gold skin and those creepy hourglass eyes that make everyone look dead! It's very interesting. Even if it does creepy people out a lot."

Sturm nodded fervently.

"Leave him alone!" Crysania said, scandalized. "How dare you judge Raistlin solely on his looks—he's sensitive and wise and brave and—"

Subieko and Tas grinned identical mischievous grins. "Methinks the cleric doth protest too much, huh, Tas?"

"I don't know what you just said, but I think Crysania's got a thing for Raistlin!"

The two burst into giggles and starting chanting in sing-song voices, "Crysania likes Raistlin, Crysania likes Raistlin…"

Sturm shook his head, bewildered. "This looks more like a middle-school slumber party than therapy…" Then Sturm remembered that he didn't know about middle school. Or slumber parties. Not that he wasn't right, of course.

"Sh-shut up!" Crysania said, blushing bright red. "Okay, so what if I think Raistlin is attractive? He's powerful! He's gentle! He's ambitious, he's going somewhere in life, he won't let people walk all over him! We just _connect_, okay!?"

"Ooo…I knew it!" Subieko said. "So now you and Raistlin can ride off into the sunset!"

"Mmmmph! MMMMPH!" Raistlin said. But everyone ignored his feeble protests.

"No!" Crysania said. "Subieko, you can't tell anyone about this—I'm a cleric of Paladine, people can't know that I...promise you won't say anything!"

"Of course not, Crysania," Subieko said, her face a picture of innocence. "Therapy is _always_ completely confidential. I promise that I won't say a word to anyone."

Crysania gave a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank goodness…I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest…"

"See, Sturm?" Subieko said. "And you thought we couldn't save her soul in half and hour!"

Sturm said nothing, but he had a strong feeling that Subieko had some ulterior motive…she was looking entirely too innocent for his liking. Everyone left the room except Raistlin, who had been completely forgotten.

Crysania sat down at the bar back in the Inn and ordered a mug of ale. She felt so invigorated, so much more at peace…it was a good thing they had someone as trustworthy and understanding as Subieko to confide in.

On the other side of the room, Tas and the other companions were sharing a tray of Otik's spiced potatoes and throwing back their own mugs of ale. Tas was waving his arms and speaking rapidly, pleased to his audience rapt.

Sturm walked into the room last, followed by an irate Raistlin; Sturm had gone back to free him after remembering that he had been tied down. Raistlin should have been grateful, but he was still smarting from having duct-tape ripped off his mouth, and Sturm was starting to regret going back.

"Well at least that's over with," Raistlin said, going to join the companions. But at that moment, the entire table burst into song…

"Crysania and Raistlin, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N—"

"Subieko! You said you wouldn't tell anyone!" Crysania wailed.

Subieko just smiled. "I said _I_ wouldn't tell anyone. I never said anything about _Tas_…"

Crysania and Raistlin groaned in unison. Their lives were officially over…

Subieko plunked herself down next to Tas and sighed contentedly. "We sure got a lot done in just a half-hour, huh, Tas?"

Tas nodded cheerfully. "Yeah…you know, this is fun, but I feel like we're really helping everyone too."

Subieko nodded. "You're completely right, Tas."

At that moment, Raistlin started chanting strange words, and Tanis went flying past them into the wall.

"I can't wait for tomorrow," Tas said.


	9. Cry Me a River

Author's Note: An update at last! Some of the jokes in this one are inspired by Sardonic Kender Smile's Fire Emblem fanfic Huzzah. It's crazy hilarious, so go read it. And her other stories, because she's an insanely good writer. Now, with that said...on with the fic! And thank to all the reviewers! You're all awesome-ness. And Just Me--yes, I have updated...it just took me a bit to think of a good idea. ;;;

Chapter 8: Cry Me a River

"Hmmm…hmmm…"

"What's wrong, Subieko?" asked Tas.

Subieko sighed, leaning back in her chair. "I don't know what we should do next. I think every chapter so far has featured Raistlin! Not that he isn't cool, but we should give the poor guy a break."

"Yeah, but who else should we do? Raistlin has the most problems."

"That's certainly true." The two fell silent, thinking hard.

Then Tas looked up. "Hey…what about Riverwind? He didn't even get into the last story."

Subieko sat up suddenly, aghast. "Whoa—I completely forgot about him! …well, he's never really had a big part in anything…he's a bit of a nonentity…"

"He was always the silent type," Tas put in helpfully. "He and Goldmoon had some issues in _Dragons of Autumn Twilight_, though."

"Yeah….yeah!" Subieko said, warming to the idea. "Tas, you're a genius! Riverwind is the perfect character to analyze…he has almost no personality in the books besides being silent all the time, so there's no way for us to make him in-character—he _has_ no character! Oh, this is perfect…"

Sturm, standing behind them at his post, groaned softly. Would none of the companions escape unscathed…?

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Go on in, sonny. Nothing to worry about, now, no need to be nervous," Fizban said, ushering Riverwind into Subieko's office.

Riverwind sat down in one of the deep leather chairs, his face completely impassive. Not a shred of emotion was in his eyes. He didn't make so much as a whisper of sound.

"So, Riverwind…how are you today?"

Riverwind said nothing.

"Good, good," Subieko said. "Now, Riverwind…we're here to address one of your main problems. Yes, I know—it's not easy to face it. But you've got to, Riverwind!"

Riverwind said nothing.

"Is he still alive, Subieko?" asked Tas, waving a hand in front of Riverwind's eyes. "Maybe Fizban sent in a stuffed dummy instead of Riverwind, just for a joke."

"No, that's the real deal…unfortunately. Riverwind, you are _really_ making this difficult. We need to work together, Riverwind. Now are you going to cooperate or not?"

Riverwind said nothing.

"Do you think that's a yes or a no?" asked Subieko.

Tas stroked his chin thoughtfully. The gesture really would have worked better if he had a beard, but after all you can't have everything. "I think he said he's hungry. I'm going to go get some snacks—I'm a little hungry too."

Subieko gave a long, gusty sigh. "Just great…this is completely un-funny!"

Sturm gasped. "Lady Subieko, you said the point of these sessions was to _help_ us!"

Subieko shrugged. "Believe me, Sturm, making you guys even slightly humorous is a big help. And anyway, what are you complaining about? I'm not making fun of you!"

"Yes, you are!" Sturm protested, but he was ignored, because at that moment Tas came back in, dragging Goldmoon along with him.

"Look who I found, Subieko—Goldmoon! I bet she can help us therapy-ize Riverwind!"

"You mean _counsel_ Riverwind, Tas. And yeah, that's a great idea!"

"Plus I have snacks," Tas said, plunking himself down beside Subieko and helping himself to some spiced potatoes. "You want any, Sturm?"

The knight shook his head morosely. There was no point in saying anything to Subieko—nothing could stop her insanity now…

Goldmoon sat down next to Riverwind, giving him a quick hug. "So how's the session going, dear?"

Riverwind said nothing.

"Oh…that's too bad," said Goldmoon, giving him a sympathetic pat on the arm. "Well, don't give up yet—Subieko and Tas are very good therapists!"

Tas smiled proudly. "We sure are! Why, we even helped Dalamar and Raistlin work out their relationship problems?"

Goldmoon blinked. "…what relationship problems?"

"Okay, let's get started!" Subieko said quickly, elbowing Tas in the ribs. "So, Goldmoon…I hope we'll make more progress now that you're here. You've already resolved all of your psychological problems, right? That's why you were so peaced-out in the War of Souls. Except for that whole traumatic episode thing, but I'm sure you've gotten over that."

Goldmoon opened her mouth to speak, but Subieko waved a hand. "No, no, don't say anything. I have great confidence in you. Now let's work with Riverwind. Riverwind, do you know why we're here?"

Riverwind said nothing.

"He says he doesn't need to be here," Goldmoon reported. "And I agree. He's perfect just the way he is!"

"Um…right," Subieko said. "Anyway…we're here because you're so antisocial. You clearly have some weird thing about people and being inside buildings. You're as bad as Rath!"

"Who's Rath?" Sturm asked.

Subieko grinned. "Oh he's this Sacaen ranger guy from Blazing Blade, he's really cool except that he totally should NOT end up with Lyn because Kent has to and for some reason people think he and Wil should end up together, but really I think Wil is much better with Rebecca, and they have a canon ending too so—"

"Never mind," Sturm said desperately. "I'm sorry I asked! I'm sorry!"

Subieko blushed. "Er…sorry about that—different fandom. Anyway…Riverwind, you just can't socialize! It's time to teach you how to get along with other people."

Riverwind said nothing.

"Oh, you made him angry," Goldmoon said. "He says he doesn't want to become social. He's happy the way he is."

Subieko's eyes narrowed. "Goldmoon, just because he's in denial doesn't mean we should let him go on like this! It's just not normal to be as silent as he is!"

Riverwind said nothing. He face was completely still.

"Subieko, look at that scowl—you're really upsetting him!"

Subieko sighed. "Look, Riverwind…wouldn't you like to be able to talk to your friends more—to hang out with Tanis and Caramon and Raistlin? Well, maybe not Raistlin. But anyway wouldn't you like to be able to _talk_ to them?"

Riverwind said nothing. He did not move.

"Maybe she has a point, honey," Goldmoon said. "I know all of our friends would love to talk to you…"

"We'll start slow, okay, Riverwind? We'll practice making conversation…staying inside buildings…you know, that sort of thing. Hey—how about we have Goldmoon and Tanis help us, huh? You'd like talking to them, right?"

Riverwind said nothing. His face was still expressionless.

"Oh, look how happy you made him—he's smiling!" said Goldmoon.

"Right…so, you guys can come back for your next session tomorrow…" Subieko said.

The two walked out the door; Riverwind was completely silent, Goldmoon was beaming and chattering amicably.

Subieko sat back in her chair, frowning. "You know…sometimes I think Goldmoon knows Riverwind a little _too_ well."

"…could be," said Sturm.

Tas just shrugged. "He may not be very interesting to be around, but I bet once we get him talking he'll have loads of things to say!"

"Tas, he's not a mute," Sturm said. "He just doesn't like to talk. He may not have anything he wants to say even if you convince him to talk to you."

Tas and Subieko weren't listening. They were already planning Riverwind's role-playing scenarios.


End file.
